Why don't I feel like a Woman? My Personal Struggle.
I wanted to do a blog post about my personal physical struggles with weight, acne, my smile, and not feeling like a woman, in the sense that, I have never actually felt like a sexy adult woman or just an adult woman period.
My entire life I have been a very small human. I never broke the 90 pound mark in high school and was constantly ridiculed. People like to always talk about fat shaming, but it should just be called weight shaming, because people do the same thing to thin people.
I have heard it all,
“I can bench press you”
“Damn, you’re so small”
“I bet you never have problems buying clothes” (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?)
“Such a small figure”
“Dont turn sideways I might lose you.”
“I would break you” meant sexually… HAVE YOU SEEN WHERE BABIES COME FROM? BRO, my vag stretches just like any ladies and Im pretty sure your dick won’t break it, am I right ladies? JESUS christ the audacity of some fools.
The crafty list goes on and on. It gets pretty painful.
I mean its endless for people of all weights, we all suffer ridicule from others. In high school it was non-stop. As a senior, I had a freshmen approach me and say he was told I do a lot of cocaine and thats why I was so thin, (I did not know what cocaine was at the time other than a type of drug).
Being the size I am has its advantages, for instance, I fit in a lot of things and I kind of feel like a cat in the sense that I see something small and I think, “I bet I can fit in that, lets see.” It provides entertainment for me whether I fit or get stuck (both of which have happened). I have fit through gates, into ice chests, luggage, you name it, I will try it. The big disadvantage is, like that of many people, I have body image issues.
I am about to turn 30 in 2018 and I have something to admit ya’ll, I have never felt like a woman. No, no, this does not mean I am a man trapped in a woman's body, I am not gender fluid, or really identify as a unicorn or cat, but come on, I am TOTALLY a unicorn :D. But seriously, I have never had the body a woman has or is "suppose to have.” I am mistaken for 19-23 WHICH IS AWESOME, except it’s not.
Let me explain.
Woman want to be mistaken as younger than they are, yes! BUT, when you have looked like me, a non curvy, tiny, petite elf/woman it kind of sucks. I have a really hard time getting taken seriously in everyday life. I go to a grocery store or any store and I get the condescending tone from people like “Ohhh sweety, you don’t know shit….” YOU KNOW THE TONE, the self important, I know more than you, therefore I am superior, tone? I get that A LOT! In the professional sense its worse. Let me be clear though, at my current job people more or less treat me as an equal, but prior to people knowing my age and experience it was a constant condescending verbiage struggle. People like to feel superior and they immediately feel superior when they are under the impression they are older, therefore assumed, wiser than you. I do not subscribe to this view, why? #1 I have met MANY people younger than I am that BLOW MY MIND because they are far superior in intellect than I am, it’s so humbling. #2 I have met older people I am smarter and have more life experience than.
But Michelle, how the hell can you have more life experience than someone older than you?
I don’t believe experience is commensurate to years on this planet, I think it is commensurate to actual shit happening to you. What crap have you weighed and gotten through? How many actual experiences do you have? Im sorry but if you are a 40 year old that went grades k-12 straight to college, then Masters, PhD, and academia and you haven’t traveled or went through life hardships outside academia, your parents are awesome and financially stable, you have never struggled financially as a child or adult, I feel I have more LIFE experience than you, but I have no doubts your brain is superior in your field of research.
I get degraded often on Twitter because I look young. I had a full out battle (I know so immature of me, I AM NOT PERFECT PEOPLE), on Twitter with this uber conservative woman. You know how twitter goes lately, people just getting personal and insulting you based on a belief that is adverse to theirs? Its hogwash ya’ll. In this particular instance she degraded me based on an assumption of my age and life experience and I lost my shit. I gave her a laundry list of my life, (Adolescent physical and verbal abuse, drug addicts as parents, moving out at 16, a father that didn't really want me, paying my way through high school and college, sexual abuse, plus my actual age granting many more years of experience in the work industry than she assumed, and so on). I, in this moment of insecurity, needed her to understand that my opinion and belief wasn’t just some millennial not knowing how, “the real world,” worked, it was based on life experience and an intricate knowledge on what I was talking about. By the end of the back and forths, she apologized and I was thankful, but I made it a point to tell her, “You should never judge a book by its cover, I have more life experience than some people 2x my age,” she agreed and I truly hope she changes her approach in future twitter dialogue, because that shit is hurtful.
I remember being in High school waiting for boobs. I am sure other woman can relate. Like when will I actually need the training bra I am already wearing? A-cup? You joke. When will I get real boobs bro? Well I still don’t feel like that has happened, but I have made peace with my tiny B-cups and my tiny booty. I mean I am 5’3 and I bounce between 95 and 105 pounds, there is not much I can do. This lack in secondary sexual characteristics is kinda hard though. I would think its equivalent to being an average height man in a population of woman that only do tall dudes. Hey, there isn't much you can do, you were born this way. It just makes you feel less of a woman because we are molded by your environment and voluptuous bodies are desired. I get this innate desire, big tits and booties signal a good mate to bare children, it's hard wired ya'll #biology.
You may have noticed I work out a lot and take my health very seriously. It is a struggle. I cannot workout too much or I drop to an unhealthy weight because I just don't eat enough and my body is super efficient processing food, but I want to workout for the health benefits. I literally only workout for my health, I need a healthy heart and such am I right? Plus exercise helps with memory and focus and getting my murderous rage out.... LOL. But speaking seriously, it's hard to say, cut out carbs. I cut out carbs, not for weight management, but because all the recent research coming out about cancer and heart disease all being related to SUGAR. Sweet sweet killer right? I use to buy 30 dollars in candy and binge every single night in college. It was soo bad. You know what else was so bad? My anxiety, research is out on this link too. Since I have changed my eating habits, exercise habits, and introduced probiotics, I don’t suffer like that anymore. AHHH-Mazing! Exercise isn’t just for external aesthetics, for me, its purely to feel good and healthy.
Something else I struggle with is acne which totally makes me look like the hormonal teenager type. I have struggled with it a LONG time and lately its gotten a lot worse, which is image and self-esteem harming. I am almost 30, WHY DO I STILL BREAK OUT? This is something I hear often so I know I am not the only one. When you are a teenager, adults like to console you with the generic, “its just because the hormones, you will grow out of it.” BULLSHIT. I CALL TOTAL BS haha. I try to give everyone an authentic image of me on social media. I post pictures where in my opinion I look AWESOME, and others with no makeup and looking like a bum. I never want people to think I am put together 100% be any stretch of the imagination. I try to stay uber honest in my intellect, image, and life, because honesty is SOOOO important to me. I want people to see my struggles and how I overcome them, I want them to see my mistakes and learn from them, I want you to know I am a fallible human being. My account is not movie star level images, its acne prone snaggle tooth, little ol’ ME.
Speaking of snaggle tooth, I am probably most insecure about my smile. Its crooked and wonky and I hate it. If you have ever wondered how my name became the Silli Scientist this is how. In most my pictures, unless they are straight on (because you cant tell my smile is crooked), I make silly faces. This is because I HATE my smile and always have. I disguise it with my silliness. My parents took me to the dentist once when I was 11 years old, I really needed braces because I was a thumb sucker, but my parents ignored this because they couldn’t afford it (I assume). I can't really afford them now, but my dentist told me if I don't proceed I am going to have even more dental issues than I have already have had and it will end up costing more money, more time, and more pain....OUCH! I have had a root canal, 2 crowns, an extraction, so many fillings, I need an implant now AND my bite is off. So here I am, a 29 year old about to embark on the braces journey, hello ‘feeling like a child’ feeling, HA! ANYHOO, because my silly pictures and love for science, I changed my personal Instagram to @Silli_scientist. I also started my passion project website at AlloKSci.com and began writing my own science articles and my life story. I get so many messages of support and “thank you's” from people ALL OVER THE WORLD. People who have had similar hardships or none at all just saying, ‘thank you for your honesty,’ and THAT feels amazing. Thank you for your support thank you for not criticizing my sailor like vernacular, thank you for even reading what I have to say it means the world. Soon you will see pimple face, braces 30 year old me……UGH. This makes me sad lol.
BUT… 31 year old me will be smoking HOTT and almost done with her Master’s so something to look forward too :) Maybe my 30s is my decade to feel like a real adult woman? Stay tuned, I'll be letting you know. In the mean time I am going to keep on being ME, insecurities get you know where!