Why am I so Sad? A Complicated Relationship
I wasn’t planning on a blog post today but I am feeling so lonely and my brain is cluttered making it damn near impossible to study. I bet its just my way of avoiding it. I always hated studying for big pointless tests like all standardized tests in my opinion. So I am going to try and be super raw with this post for 1, I highly doubt anyone reads my site haha so I feel pretty safe. My site is my passion project I love talking about science and researching it and the blog aspect of it was just a way to talk about my personal science. I do a lot of introspective things and self experiments that I thought would be fun to document and perhaps look back on. For instance today I downloaded an app called head space. There was a recent study that came out (might do an article on this cause its so fucking rad) that said just 8 weeks of meditation,
“confirmed increases in gray matter concentration within the left hippocampus. Whole brain analyses identified increases in the posterior cingulate cortex, the temporo-parietal junction, and the cerebellum in the MBSR group compared to the controls. The results suggest that participation in MBSR is associated with changes in gray matter concentration in brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective taking.”
FUCKING COOL RIGHT?
So the App helps you with guided meditation each day it progresses. For instance, today was about a 4.5 minute session, nothing crazy but enough to ground me for the day I think. I am looking forward to tomorrow I think this will be a great morning routine before coffee to try and put my best mental foot forward ya know? My brain use to be able to hyper focus but with my life in ruins (overstatement) or at least it feels like it, my brain wants to bounce around doing fun things all unfocused while I am sitting here saying “no bitch, study” My brain says, “la la la la la oooo shiny, oooo science article, oooo instascience pic, oooo lets write a new article instead, lets clean the house” etc etc etc. Whats worse is I have actually been watching TV lately. I use to be addicted to TV. It was my happy place. I probably watched 4 or more hours a day, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. Living vicariously through fake people and wishing I had their lives haha. Lately I have been so down in the dumps I have reverted to that because it makes me happy and I am not so much a fan of my life right meow :(
This is an instance right here of me avoiding studying. About 2 weeks ago my step-father who raised me since about 3 years of age had excruciating pain and thought maybe he ruptured an old hernia mesh. When he went to the doctor they found a “ big scary looking mass,” doctors words. He was suppose to come to Fresno where we have a bigger hospital and he put it off for days claiming this is more important or that is more important and here I am screaming WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. When the doctor says you have a mass, you get that shit checked out right? Apparently not everyone. During this time my parents are full fledge avoiding me. If you knew this complicated and ridiculous relationship ugh.
In short: Its complicated, it got really bad, I moved out at 16 on my own and have been on my own ever since. There have been drugs and lies and the inability to act as an adult (them not me). They are homeless and have chosen to be that way. I had gone into debt during college to help them out with rent and phone bills etc. It gets super hairy guys and its hard to be the child and have the responsibility of an adult and try to reason with adults and them discard everything you say, always.
Before this mass finding we hadn’t spoken in months. I was convinced they were on drugs I asked and never received an answer or any “how dare you ask me that,” it was like I never opened my mouth and asked. So I am still unsure if my suspicions were warranted but by their behavior it sure as hell seemed to be. They don’t make sense. Their decisions, their way of life anything. NOW THIS?!?
My dad finally goes to the hospital and they give him a CT. Its two masses, no its one, no its a hernia, no it feels like a hernia but its hard, its big and its engulfed a testicle. The doctors are so perplexed by the CT and physical examination, not good. The next move was a urology consultation. It took SIX DAYS to get that appointment SIX DAYS!!!! And he’s in physical pain due to this invader growth. So of course I tell my parents whatever they need LET ME KNOW, but I had to go to work right? I think I am going to have to move them in with me and figure finances out, how am I going to do this with 30k a year, that after taxes is really about 22k a year? I can’t miss a day I might have to miss more in the future due to this. So I message them they are getting ready for the appointment ect. (something to know about my parents is they are the most unreliable, undependable people and the biggest flakes you will EVER MEET). So I was on their ass about going. THEN….. THEN…… No one communicates back with me. This is a pet peeve of mine. If your thumbs work, you should be communicative no ifs, ands, or buts about it. They are out right ignoring me. Finally I get a text. He didn’t go, “the fuel pump went out,” in his truck. I partially call BS. My dad has been telling me he didn’t want to go for days and that “he was scared.” Have you ever heard your dad say those words? It broke me. I have been a weepy bitch for 2 weeks. My dad is scared and I can’t do anything about it. I told my dad he could of called me there was probably a handful of people he could have called to make that appointment so WTF? He yelled at me via text saying he didn’t need me stressing him out so I haven’t talked to him since. I don’t know how to act or handle this if he wont address and take care of the problem. He needs a damn biopsy so we can figure out what this is. His lymph nodes are already swollen and last week they said he HAD TO HAVE SURGERY THAT WEEK. Guess what? That didn’t happen.
On top of all this I am financially broke. I pay 200 a month on student loans and that shit hasn’t budged in a year of payments and I am trying my best to save for a Master’s program and all these unforeseen things keep killing my savings. I now have to get braces like WTF :( And that is EXPENSIVE. Like 5400 dollars holy cow right? I mean I need to go to school lol I can’t afford all this.
I have also been helping out my aunt a lot taking furniture donations. She went to jail for about 6 months for a wealth of things, drugs, stealing ect. She has been an avid stimulant user, I think Meth but I am not entirely sure. Anyway she got her kids taken from her. I was going to foster her son because his father is a horrible human being and her two girls were with a wonderful aunt on the fathers side. Now she’s out and has been clean for about 8 months WOOO FREAKIN HOO right? This is amazeballs and she wants her kids back she’s finally acting like the 35+ year old adult she is and I wanted to do everything in my power to help. She lives an hour away so its been hard taking donations that fill my house to the brim, organize a truck to take it to her, with her schedule my schedule, the truck owners schedule. I told her I had more stuff and I feel pressure to hurry and bring it to her so its super stressful I mean Im trying my best I just don’t have the means to do it ya know? I have to organize 4 different peoples times to make this work. She is going to have a walk through I think by CPS to see if the house is a home and fit to house children so I get the urgency but she has the necessities. I just haven’t collected the lamps, dressers and kitchen chairs that were donated by my work and wonderful people from my work.
So anyways. Im going to keep on, keepin’ on haha. Im going to try and stick to this meditation to help my brain and get back into my exercise routine. I have been such a lagger due to this crap. I feel so lonely all the time. I have no one to talk to and its really really hard. I am not a crier I usually supplement tears with rage and power through it, but hearing your dad say Im scared and than subsequently extend his predicament and stop communicating with you, its killing me. I wish I was my happy silly self. I am trying but thats kinda why Ive been a little different lately. My Instagram posts aren’t as sassy and fun cause Im not as sassy and fun. I am just sad and mad and helpless and alone. UGHH!
UPDATE: I had said I my previous blog that I was going to attempt being ambidextrous. So far so good. I am writing my name once a day withy left hand and have moved to completely using a computer mouse only with my left. It was clunky at first but is going well. As for the problem solving super powers I got nothing yet lol. Hoping to move towards doing more with my left from here on out and we'll see :D